Photo: Bravo
It’s tagline time! Before we get into the meat of the episode — which proves that the season is slowly cooking, albeit at a somewhat low simmer — let’s discuss the ladies’ opening lines since a Housewife is not officially a Housewife without a tagline. RHOA is known for its one-liners and unintentionally funny moments, so we expect a high level of wit and cheekiness in this franchise. It’s a hard challenge to accept, with some big shoes to fill (just ask Kandi, she may be small [insert that now infamous note] but her empire keeps on growing!), but I’ll give the women a B+ for their efforts.
Drew set the curve for the class with “I’ll always be upper-level — everyone else is in the basement.” I give Drew a hard time but I’ll give her tens when they’re due and I love a good whack at Ralph (I cannot believe that man is trying to represent himself in court, I would pay a good amount to see footage of his foolish ass questioning Drew on the stand). Shamea follows closely with, “Plus one? Honey, I’ve always been that one.” It’s a perfect reference to how fans, and probably her fellow castmates, underestimated her main character energy. Angela, who has left perhaps the smallest impression thus far, delivers a solid first tagline, smugly saying, “If you want to find the shade, just look for the Oak.” Though it’s an obvious reference to her husband’s NBA “Oak Tree” nickname, aligning with the fact that 90 percent of the time she’s spent on screen has revolved around her connection to him, I still think it’s cute. She’s a “my man, my man, my man” girl and that’s okay. I’m indifferent to Kelli’s tagline, “I’m a mom of four girls. Give me attitude and I’ll ground you too,” much like I’ve been indifferent to her presence on the show so far. I wish she did a play on her waffle empire or how adorably pint-sized she is with the personality of someone twice her height.
Rounding out the bottom are Porsha and Brit. Brit’s, similar to Kelli’s, reflected my feelings about her thus far: it’s giving forced, much like her nephew said about her decadent meal during her at-home scene. “I’m pretty and paid. Of course, there’s haters trying to shade,” is an overt dig at Kenya (and perhaps the rest of the ladies, as from what we’ve seen from social media the show airs, she may no longer be on good terms with Kelli or Shamea either), who it seems will be her main storyline. Since so much of her conflict with a veteran Housewife was so publicized, with fans picking sides (and not the video vixen’s) before we even arrive at that storyline, dedicating her first-ever tagline to shading Kenya is a shot in the foot. Especially since Brit’s still holding onto the hiccup with Kenya about her rings from the premiere. Her energy is combative; from how she appears to be in a constant chess match with her husband to her fractured relationships with her sisters and the air of arrogance in her tagline, she’s displaying signs of the classic Housewife who is somehow perpetually a victim yet always in conflict.
Speaking of perpetual victims, Porsha’s “I snatched my peach back, now I’m bringing the juice” feels like a recycled iteration of Marlo’s first tagline, which is a disservice to the fans who highly anticipated her comeback. I actually have a soft spot for Porsha; she’s clearly got the gift of gab in her confessionals and her silliness brings great energy in group scenes. It’s within a group dynamic that Porsha excels as a Housewife … not in the convoluted personal scenes where there’s little room for sympathy toward her current situation with the scamming husband she thought she was going to ride off into the sunset with. I enjoy Porsha the most when she has someone to spar with, so her budding love/hate relationship with Kelli is satisfying to watch as a warm-up beef as the season starts to roll.
The two sit down for a one-on-one to hash out Kelli’s inquisition about the origins of Porsha’s second marriage. True to form, Porsha starts deflecting, focusing on Kelli’s delivery and Shamea’s involvement instead of acknowledging the odd timeline of her relationship. Kelli eventually concedes, with the two agreeing to move forward harmoniously and Porsha rescinding calling Kelli a troll with multiple personalities. Porsha does well with a frenemy because we know damn well she’s never really been a good friend, unlike her bestie Shamea. Somehow, Porsha manages to shift blame to Shamea for encouraging Kelli’s confrontation, with even Porsha’s mom Diane weighing in, saying, “You’ve got to watch the dog that brings the bone.” Porsha’s disdain at the way Shamea handled the situation speaks to the change in dynamic in their friendship now that Shamea is full-time and must navigate within the group as an individual and not a sidekick; bringing Porsha that bone instead of staying mum was being a good friend by allowing Porsha the opportunity to nip it in the bud and a good Housewife by stirring the pot.
The longtime friends are rumored to have fallen out either during or after filming, or at least are in “a rocky place,” according to Porsha, but she’s also the woman who had trouble understanding why repeating a rumor about her castmate trying to rape her deserved, at the very least, a serious and gracious apology so we’ll wait to hear Shamea’s side as the trailer teased the beginning of the friendship’s downfall. Is Porsha jealous that Shamea snagged the center peach? Or is it because Shamea has a husband with legit money who worships the ground she walks on as opposed to Simon, who is currently detained by ICE and probably still getting ready to find his next wife/victim if he hasn’t already? Only time will tell, but this isn’t the first time Porsha’s dropped the ball in their friendship — perhaps the most egregious offense was allowing Phaedra to insinuate that Shamea and Kandi were fucking or failing to show up for Shamea’s wedding.
Meanwhile, Shamea, on the show and behind the scenes, remains loyal to Porsha to a fault as her clash with Angela stemming from standing up for Porsha boils over by the end of the episode at Kelli’s mommy and me event at Balmain raising money for osteogenesis imperfecta. Thank goodness for this new wave of wealth — we went from Le’Archive to Balmain! And the kiddies are involved! We really need them to film a Real Housekids of Atlanta skit with Blaze Tucker. It’s a great change of pace from the male-centered episode last week, and if there’s one thing we know about the RHOA women, it’s that they’re dedicated mothers. But, as we learned from Brooklyn’s tea party in season 14, that doesn’t keep them from clocking in and getting to work. Shamea comes ready to rumble on the heels of her altercation with Angela at the gym, going in on Angela’s rhinoplasty, calling it a “retro nose.”
Angela walks straight up to Shamea in an attempt to clear the air, showing exactly why she’s the wife of “The Enforcer” Charles Oakley. But Shamea isn’t easily intimidated; this is the woman who gleefully taste-tested the staged products (there was just water in the bottles) at Kenya’s hair care event. Shamea’s fighting style is sharp, and she’s not afraid to look silly as she takes her jabs (as we can see from her imitation of Angela’s nose job). However, Angela is truly Mrs. Enforcer and refuses to back down. Instead, she shifts to mimicking her opponent’s technique and starts referring to Shamea as Flavor Flav and Porsha as Chuck D since “she just shows up and collects her check, and Shamea does all the work.” It’s all hilariously sophomoric, with Shamea saying Angela is “Drew’s representative” and Angela calling her “Sha-mean-a” while the party-goers look on and the little girls run around the luxury store. Soon Shamea is saying Angela looks like LaToya Jackson, and Angela is telling Shamea to get her nose out of Porsha’s ass. The pettiness is more authentic and comedic than most of the fights of the last two seasons combined — it’s low-stakes reality TV bullshit, and I love it. We’re dipping our toes into the pool, and I don’t mind the temperature.
• I’m not sure if I want to start a support group or a fan club for Cynthia’s wigs. They’re becoming more bizarre by the minute (she was literally Edna Mode at the Balmain event), and I’m almost convinced by the end of the season she will manage to do the impossible and find a wig more ridiculous than Nene’s infamous Bride of Frankenstein look. I do know we need to have an intervention for Drew’s fashions; what the hell was that outfit at the lawyer’s office?
• Ralph not divulging his finances makes me think there may be some fraudulent activity or even a second family/girlfriend he might’ve been taking care of. Perhaps my imagination is getting away from me because Ralph is the walking embodiment of a red flag, and he’s merely trying to squeeze alimony out of Drew.
• Shamea continues to bring the ethos back to RHOA with her touching family scenes. I love the way she and Gerald love their children — watching him stand for a full 20 minutes while Shya was in surgery (she’s so cute and brave!) is the exact kind of father I want for my future children. I also enjoyed hearing Kelli open up about her experience with OI; the thought of her worrying about her baby while child protective services hovered at the door was heartbreaking.
• Drew’s Dennis backpedal is almost legendary. We went from him being her angel on earth to things being “strictly business” real quick … it sounds like someone got a text from Dennis after the explosive scene with Porsha. My favorite part about Drew fumbling her excuses for not speaking to Porsha about the situation is that she uses similar tactics as Porsha by focusing on the minutia of the text exchanges instead of standing ten toes down on her behavior. She should’ve just called her! Her theatrics holding up the makeup artist she shares with Porsha were some great Housewives shenanigans though.
• Who has tea on Charles getting kicked out of Madison Square Garden? I know nothing about sports, but my ears definitely perked up at the messy nature of the story.
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