Cigarettes can kill you. Well, nearly everything can kill you, but smoking can definitely speed up the process. Do you know what won’t kill you? Jokes. Unless you’re chewing something and choke while you laugh. Put the sandwich down and enjoy some jokes…
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Emo Philips on Last Words
“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’”
Daniel Tosh on His Funeral
“I’m going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then, at the end, they have to kick me into the audience, and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits, or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it — I want legit sets.”
Maria Bamford on Religion
“My mom is very religious, and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.”
Roy Wood Jr. on Justice
“Can we just all be honest and just say that the Trump arrest didn’t hit like we thought it was going to hit? We’re so desensitized to scandals now. The Trump arrest was like a pot brownie you ate four hours ago, and you’re like, ‘Hmm, do I feel justice? This doesn’t feel like justice. Let me try one of them Georgia arraignment brownies. Maybe that’ll hit.’”
Drew Lynch on Bullying
“It just goes to show why you don’t bully people. You never know who’s a cannibal. Because every day, dudes going to school with (Jeffrey Dahmer) are going, ‘Hey, Dahmer! Eat a bag of dicks!’ And he took that personally.”
Jen Kirkman on Parenthood
“I don’t want to be a mom. I could easily be a dad. I could lie on a couch and have my kid come up to me for the first time when they’re five years old and go, ‘Dad, can I go outside?’ ‘I dunno, ask your mother.’ That I can do. I’d be amazing at that.”
Patton Oswalt’s Health Goals
“My fitness goals: 1) I want to stop looking like I’m wearing a bulletproof vest all the time; 2) I would like to not be in a Rascal scooter at my daughter’s high school graduation. I don’t want to be cut. I don’t want to be muscular. I don’t want to be trim. I just want to stand on my original kneecaps.”
Anthony Jeselnik on Winning
“Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.”
Rachel Fairburn on Her Sister
“I got a sister; she’s six years younger than me, which makes her… (does math in her head) the favorite. We’re very different, and how can I describe her to you? She’s a… (thinks of a description) piece of shit.”
Tom Papa on Family Vacations
“A family vacation? Don’t do that. Look, a family is a bad organization; it barely works at home. Why would you take it on the road?”
Grant Gordon on Religion
“I’m a confirmed Catholic, I’m a bar mitzvahed Jew and I’m a practicing Buddhist. I’m a Cajewbu, whatever that is. It’s weird because I always go in that order, too, with things. I always go Catholic, Jewish, then Buddhist. Take money, for example. First, I feel guilty for wanting it. Then I’ll do whatever it takes to get it. Then I just throw it all away.”
Leslie Jones’ Booty Call Breakup
“I just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn’t really a breakup; it was a booty call I might have took too serious. That shit happens sometimes. You can’t fuck me more than one time and not be my man. We’re on a schedule! I don’t care if you don’t love me, I! Love! You! It’s going to work out! So now the booty call has turned into a police call.”
Ali Macofsky on Murder Shows
“I do learn a lot from murder shows. I know that I shouldn’t ‘start my day like any other.’”
Bill Hicks on the Crucifix
“A lot of Christians wear a cross around their neck. Do you think when Jesus comes back, he’ll want to see a fucking cross? It’s kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little sniper rifle pendant. ‘Hey Jackie, just thinking of John. We loved him.’”
Jim Gaffigan on Birthday Parties
“Other people’s children’s birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.”
Rodney Dangerfield on His Dad
“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
Bill Burr on Church Sermons
“The priest, they were like preaching, but they sounded like they didn’t believe it. They’d be like, ‘This is the Gospel… according to Luke. I’m not saying it happened, I’m not saying it didn’t happen, I’m just saying what Luke said.’”
Norm Macdonald on Germany
“In the entire Earth, there’s only one country that frightens me, and that’s the country of Germany. I don’t know if you guys are students of history or not, but for those of you who aren’t, Germany in the previous century, in the early part, they decide to go to war. And who did they choose to go to war with? THE WORLD. So you’d think it’d last about five seconds and the world would fucking win, but it was actually close. I don’t know how that worked. Then, 30 years pass, and Germany decides to go to war again. And once again, they choose their foe — THE WORLD.”
