I was at secondary school when the bullying started. I have a square face shape which was referred to as ‘flat’ and there was a group of girls who would remind me of this at every given opportunity. There was a point when all of the remarks about my appearance had such a negative impact on me that I hated going to school– at times I refused to go.
I used to read a lot of magazines when I was at school and Black beauty wasn’t really represented in any of them which fed into my insecurities. I didn’t see anyone Black that looked like me being called beautiful and I would only really come across Black models in publications that focused on them specifically (such as Black Beauty and Hair and Pride Magazine). The lack of messaging relating to Black beauty cemented the taunts of the bullies. But there were other Black girls in school who were perceived to be pretty or whose looks weren’t commented on and I just wasn’t one of them– what was it about their features that fit the beauty mould? Did they lean more Eurocentric than mine?
The lack of Black beauty representation in the media and on the high street impacted my perception of my own beauty because I struggled to feel seen or understood within the beauty space. For a while I had to make do with what was available to me – I avidly remember using Maybelline’s Dream Matte Mousse foundation in the darkest shade they had even though I knew it was still a bit light. I remember the relief I felt when I discovered Iman Cosmetics because it was clear to see that the brand had formulated their products with a diverse range of complexions and undertones in mind. “Seeking out positive representations of Black beauty is what inspired me to get into makeup,” Makeup artist Zainab Hassan says. “I wanted to celebrate women of colour and engaging with these communities allowed me to redefine beauty on my own terms and reject the unrealistic standards that had been imposed on me by mainstream media.”
There’s beauty at home
Prior to the bullying, I never felt like there was anything wrong with my looks. I was surrounded by women who looked like me and who took pride in their appearance. I always figured that if they were proud about how they looked then surely I would feel the same way when I got older.
It’s a reminder of how important it is to affirm Black beauty at all ages, especially for young people who are so impressionable and whose ideas of beauty are now, more than ever, being shaped by social media and wider society, every single day. While I’m glad that I wasn’t raised in the age of social media, I do wish my beauty had been affirmed at a younger age by the outside world so that I could have developed a better self-image, irrespective of what I would go on to experience. I believed what the bullies were saying, and even when I asked my mother if I was pretty and she told me yes, I didn’t believe it because the damage had already been done.
A mask of makeup
Prior to my dalliance with Dream Matte Mousse, I found my mother’s Fashion Fair foundation and it wasn’t long before I started wearing makeup to school. I thought that makeup would make me look different and that it would hopefully offer some respite from the bullying. While it didn’t stop it, makeup did give me an element of safety and security. I guess in a weird way it was a mask and I felt more superior with it on and so I became reliant on it. Freelance Journalist Lateefah Jean-Baptiste had a similar experience. “ I was obsessed with conforming to beauty standards and I wouldn’t be seen without makeup,” she tells me. “I failed to see the beauty in my natural state and only felt pretty when I was wearing makeup.”
By the time I was in university, I had conditioned myself to believe that I needed to wear makeup all the time. I would take my entire makeup bag with me everywhere so that I could touch it up as needed. Although my bag was always heavy, I felt safe knowing that my mask would never fall. I didn’t want to deal with my skin and my features without it, it was easier to apply my mask. On my journey I’ve met others who had a similar experience, like editor of Brown Beauty Talk Ronke Adeyemi, who found it difficult to embrace her skin in its natural state as a Black woman too when she battled with breakouts. “The products I needed weren’t accessible and this exacerbated my struggles with beauty,” she explains.
Stepping into the industry
My love of makeup made a career in the beauty industry feel natural. I developed an interest in skincare, learning more about my skin type and building a routine. It made me appreciate my beauty more because it became ritualistic – I looked forward to taking care of my face every single day. My struggles with acne and hyperpigmentation have made things difficult from time to time but I’ve come to find acceptance in facing myself more so I started wearing less makeup during the pandemic.
During my heavier makeup days, it was always about hiding my true self rather than enhancing it. Late last year, I was talking to a makeup artist and I mentioned that I always keep my makeup neutral, shying away from wearing brighter colours. As she proceeded to encourage me to embrace bolder makeup looks, I realised that the reason why I had decided to tone things down was because I didn’t want to be noticed or emphasise my features. I’d minimised the importance of self-expression through makeup on this journey so now I’ve started to unpack and embrace my features I’m leaning into the fun of beauty – bold glossy lips and shimmery eyeshadows are becoming two go-tos.
A lasting impact
It’s a struggle to combat the feelings that my bullying experience left me with. I have moments when I still feel like the girl who was ridiculed for her ‘Black’ features. Recently, I had to present something at work and I was certain that I was going to put a bit of makeup on but when I started to question why I felt like I needed to wear makeup for a 30-minute presentation, I realised that I was doing it for others and not myself. So I went makeup free. When I have those moments, I remind myself that my perception of my beauty shouldn’t be placed in anyone’s hands but my own.
In an industry that has a well documented history of excluding Black women, I am learning how to define beauty on my own terms. Taking the time to figure out what works for me has been pivotal on this journey. Trying to keep up with what everyone else is doing can be overwhelming so I’m drowning out the noise and focusing on the things that compliment me.
In terms of where I am now, although I still have some work to do, I’m proud of how far I have come. As someone who has done a lot of inner work, I know how challenging it can be, so I’m giving myself grace and learning how to be open to the things I may learn about myself along the way. I hope that the beauty industry can support Black beauty by continuing to make Black consumers feel represented when they search for products. I want there to be more open conversations about why it’s important for Black consumers to define beauty on their own terms so that they can confidently and fearlessly embrace what makes them unique.
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